Friday, October 8, 2010

My Flawless Plan

Imagine that you are walking across a frozen lake. Suddenly, you feel a crackling beneath your feet. The lake is not as frozen as you had thought - the ice beneath you seems to shudder, threatening to give way and shatter into a million crumbling shards.

That's the sensation I get in my wrists when I lift heavy objects.

My wrists are tiny. I have trouble finding watches or bracelets that don't simply slide right off. I've fractured my left wrist twice. If my skeleton put out a yearbook, those fragile little wrist bones would definitely be honored with the title, "Most Likely to Get Horribly and Irreparably Broken." Recently, I suggested to a co-worker that an x-ray might show that I don't have bones in my wrists at all, but flimsy little crackers instead.

My arms are no real prize either. They're long and skinny, like noodles - much more suited to flopping uselessly at my sides than doing heavy lifting.

My hands? Ridiculous. I think they stopped growing when I was three. I have, on numerous occasions, referred to them as my "tiny little hamster hands."

So those are the cards I've been dealt: noodle arms, cracker wrists and hamster hands.

My main concern with my pathetic appendages is self-defense. If I'm attacked by a mutant ninja assassin, overpowering my assailant is clearly not an option. What's a weakling to do?

Here's the plan I've come up with: 

When MegaBadGuy gets close enough (did I mention he's also a fire-breathing robot?) I will let my arms go limp. I will then swiftly drop my shoulders and snap them back up. In this way, my arms should act as powerful Indiana Jones-style whips that will stun and temporarily disable even the most imposing of fire-breathing-mutant-robot-ninja-assassins.

I'm fairly certain that my plan is flawless. However, should you have any ideas for better improving my plan, I welcome your advice.

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