Friday, April 8, 2011

Please! Take My Blood!

Today I will attempt to donate blood.

This makes me nervous, because my last three attempts to donate were unsuccessful.

Fail #1:

I went to a campus blood drive while I was in college. The nurse said my veins were difficult to find - an absolutely absurd claim; between my pale skin and prominent veins, finding a good vein on my arm to take blood from is about as challenging as finding an anaconda beneath a piece of Saran Wrap. The nurse then inserted the needle into my arm. When she didn't hit a vein, she began to dig around with the needle, poking and prodding with the same enthusiasm (and about the same delicacy) as a pig digging for truffles.

After about five minutes of this torture, the nurse finally declared me a lost cause and sent me home with a fresh bruise that stretched from my wrist to my armpit.

Fail #2:

I attempted to give platelets: a more time-consuming process than normal blood donation. They got the needle in okay but decided to halt the procedure when I began to shake uncontrollably and my skin turned the color of sun-bleached lettuce.

Fail #3:

I didn't even make it to the needle. Immediately after testing my blood for the appropriate iron levels, the nurse shook her head and told me I wasn't eligible to donate. Her tone was kind enough, but I knew what she was really saying: My blood was crap. It would be useless in life-saving, and it was a miracle that it was even keeping me alive. My blood was so insubstantial that if I got a paper cut, the blood would probably escape in a plume of red mist.

So wish me luck, friends; someone's life depends on it.


dp said...

look on the bright side...if you can't donate at least you won't get the annoying calls from the red cross. eh? Best of luck anyhow..

your sister said...

i figured you'd never be able to donate simply because you can't if you'd gotten a tattoo in the previous six months, and since you never go six months without new ink, i figured that would knock you out of contention permanently, lol.