Inappropriate Children's Toys

When I was a child, I had a toy stuffed cat. The cat's main selling point was that it wept "real tears" after being fed a bottle filled with water. It also made crying sounds when it was hugged.

There was apparently a market for emotionally unstable children's toys in the 1980's.

A recent search online revealed that my melancholy stuffed friend was from a line of toys called "Lost N Founds".  Her given name belied her despondent disposition.
 

In memory of that beloved toy, I have decided to write to the makers of Lost N Founds and suggest that they revive and expand their line of toys. Within the letter, I plan to include a couple helpful ideas. Let me know what you think.

 

My Mother's Secret Shame

For the first twenty-eight years of my life, I believed that my mother's full name was Karen Suzanne Hensel (nee Karen Suzanne Cutter). I had no reason to believe otherwise. Like all daughters, I would sometimes work myself into a self-righteous tizzy over some disagreement and fling accusations at my mom; I would say that she was mean, that she was unfair... but I never thought she was a liar.

Then I had to order a copy of my marriage certificate for my insurance company. I pulled the certificate from its envelope and gave it a quick glance. Everything seemed in order. I faxed the copy over to the appropriate office.

Then I took a second look at the certificate...

BAM. There it was: proof that I had been living a lie. I am not, as I had naively believed for so long, the daughter of Karen Suzanne Cutter. I am the daughter of:

In my mother's defense, it is a pretty embarrassing name.