Tallman Pays Through the Nose

Several years ago, I went to a concert in Boston with my then-boyfriend. While there was a decent crowd at the venue, it was by no means packed. Had they wanted to, every person in attendance could have spaced themselves apart in such a way that they could swing their arms around all night without clobbering anyone in the face. This is what made the actions of the guy standing in front of me so unacceptable.

Aside from being annoyingly tall (couldn't he just crouch when in public or something?) Guy-in-front of me annoyed me by repeatedly backing into me. None of my initial, gentler, defense tactics worked. I tried taking a step back the first couple of times he bumped into me, but the guy just continued his backward onslaught.

More confrontational approaches failed as well. I tried saying, "Careful!" and "Watch it!" a few times; not only did the guy fail to both be careful and watch it, but he completely refused to acknowledge that I was there at all. I tried standing my ground, but that only resulted in me getting my nose crushed by the guy's shoulder blade.

That's when it occurred to me: if Guy-in-front-of-me couldn't feel an entire human body colliding with his back, then he probably wouldn't feel something as gentle as a light touch, right? I decided to test this theory. I picked my nose, and I wiped my finger on the back of his shirt.

No response.

I had found a covertly aggressive tactic that worked perfectly. It didn't stop the guy from backing into me, but it made me feel much better. I kept working at it for the rest of the concert. By the end of the night, Guy-in-front-of-me's shirt looked like a piece of modern art.

Gross? Yes. But gross is kind of what I do.